We were allowed back to see Adam. Crystal, Jim and myself all went back together. The doctor tried to warn us what to expect. There is no way for a parent to prepare themselves for that. Adam's bed was tilted at a 90 degree angle to keep the pressure off his brain. He was covered with a silver warming blanket. He was on a ventilator. There was an NG tube in his nose. He had an IV in both arms. There was a central IV line in his chest. He had an incision that ran from his chest to his abdomen. The top of his head had been shaved. A hole had been drilled in his skull and a monitor was placed there to measure the pressure in his brain. As I stood next to his bed and looked at my broken boy, my mind went back to a conversation I had with Adam his senior year of high school .................... I was standing in Adam's bedroom. I'm not sure why I was there but I was probably gathering the many glasses, plates, and empty soda cans that accumulated there. Or maybe I was gathering up the arm loads of dirty clothes from his floor. I don't remember what we were talking about or how we got on this subject. But Adam said, "Mom, I have this feeling that I will die young." I said "Adam, you can't even catch a cold. You'll live to be 100 years old." He said "No Mom, I mean it. I've never felt like I would grow old. I know I will die while I'm young. But I'm not afraid of dying. It would be such an honor if I died a hero defending my country. Or maybe I'll die a martyr for my faith. That would be a great way to die." I said "Adam, you just can't die before me. You have to take care of me when I'm old." He hugged me and said "Mom, you know I'll always take care of you. I already have your nursing home picked out." We both just laughed like we always did. I tucked that conversation into my memory bank never to think about it again ... until now. As I stood there looking at my broken son, I remembered that conversation. As I recalled his words, my heart sank. I did not pray that night, I begged. I pleaded. I made deals. I offered to trade places with him. God was silent.